If it's not my death I'm reliving, it's yours - watching you go, watching you leave me and be stolen...
[He breathes out a little sharp there, nostrils flaring as he presses yet another kiss to the crown of his lover's head. Sylvain grounds him and it works, he's more and more aware now and yet somehow that feels worse because the weight of reality settles on his shoulders like lead. Nobody's made to sustain what they do, again and again, brought together and torn apart. Not just him and Sylvie, but all of them. How many times is he going to see them picked off, or know that they'll witness the same thing happening to him?
His hand slides up Sylvie's back, feeling the curve and dip of his spine, fingers splaying and a moment of silence falling over him. He's stressed, more than he should be on account of it being true that they are in this moment in no hurry to live or die. They can exist, peacefully, for some time yet. And that's all he wants. The only thing he wants. And he pulls back to look at Sylvie, seeing only the lines of his features in the dark and a glimmer from his eyes but it's enough.]
... I want to be selfish, just once. Just a few times - I want to... just live with you, die with you, but naturally. I don't want to lose you like I've lost you. I know - I know we can't, but what if we did anyway... what if we just...
[Even as he says it, he knows it won't work - he can't be selfish, not after what he did to them all. What he's caused, he needs to throw himself back in the fire to repent for it without ever explaining why but that's why tears spark in his eyes of frustration. Because what if still comes pouring out of his mouth. What if they just live one life uninterrupted? Just one? Just a few?]
no subject
[He breathes out a little sharp there, nostrils flaring as he presses yet another kiss to the crown of his lover's head. Sylvain grounds him and it works, he's more and more aware now and yet somehow that feels worse because the weight of reality settles on his shoulders like lead. Nobody's made to sustain what they do, again and again, brought together and torn apart. Not just him and Sylvie, but all of them. How many times is he going to see them picked off, or know that they'll witness the same thing happening to him?
His hand slides up Sylvie's back, feeling the curve and dip of his spine, fingers splaying and a moment of silence falling over him. He's stressed, more than he should be on account of it being true that they are in this moment in no hurry to live or die. They can exist, peacefully, for some time yet. And that's all he wants. The only thing he wants. And he pulls back to look at Sylvie, seeing only the lines of his features in the dark and a glimmer from his eyes but it's enough.]
... I want to be selfish, just once. Just a few times - I want to... just live with you, die with you, but naturally. I don't want to lose you like I've lost you. I know - I know we can't, but what if we did anyway... what if we just...
[Even as he says it, he knows it won't work - he can't be selfish, not after what he did to them all. What he's caused, he needs to throw himself back in the fire to repent for it without ever explaining why but that's why tears spark in his eyes of frustration. Because what if still comes pouring out of his mouth. What if they just live one life uninterrupted? Just one? Just a few?]
I just want to be selfish.